| ya kno that I could use sumbody... some1 like YOU |
[May. 4th, 2009|01:20 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | BED | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | rolling stones | ] |
1.1 billion people on the planet don't have access to safe, clean drinking water. That's 1 in 6 of us. Central African Republic-3 civil wars in 10 yrs. 212.000 internally displaced. life expectancy-39. 85% of the population w/out drinking water. Unsafe water and Sanitation causes 80% of all sickness & disease. & kills more ppl than war. 4,500 children will die today from water-related diseases-www.charitywater.org
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| ILL NEVER LET THIS GO.. But now I feel like I dont know you. |
[Apr. 30th, 2009|10:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | mi casa | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | eve 6-->think TWICE | ] |
did you ever KNOW that something was going to happen to you, and that when it did, it would just CRUSH you and destroy everything that you had struggled to rebuild?? well it happened to me today. and Im totally fine with it. I BARELY NOTICED. I endured the roughest 2years of my life and now, at the end of it all...
-I LOVE WHO I HAVE BEEN, HAVE BECOME,AND AM GOING TO BE.
-I KNOW WHAT I WANT IN LIFE AND WILL ALWAYS BE HAPPY.
-EVERYTHING DOES HAPPEN FOR A REASON, AND EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE EVER WANTED IS POSSIBLE.
I never felt such a strong connection to God as I do now. I am so thankful that I went to Mexico, I never realized how it would change my life at such a critical time. I see God around me in others and in the world and finally, i have some sort of idea what he wants from me and what i need to do.
Ive met such an incredible individual recently and I have no idea what to do about it. &for once, Im not talking about myself. I love who I am right now, I love the passion that bubbles up inside of me for humanity and for the world. I love who I am now that you are in my life. I don't know how to express this to you. I have been through SO much I couldn't possibly expect you to understand who I am or where I have come from or what I have endured, but I know that I love the way I feel around you, and I love how every night after I say my prayers your face is in my head.
I love that I have room to love myself AND care about you. Because usually I neglect myself. Im all about extremes, I either LOVE you, or you don't cross my mind. and I am so crazy about you. I love that for the first time in my life I respect someone and ACTUALLY feel that respect reciprocated. That is a wonderful feeling. I never met someone who believes in me the way that you do.
I love how you make me feel. You make it so that I can finally love myself. Sometimes things happen in life that break you down, I got broken down pretty severely. I was trying so hard to love myself and to love the world again and then you popped into my life and smiled at me and I officially knew that I DO love life and I AM worth something.
Somewhere in all the madness, I lost myself. I totally forgot who I am and I couldnt figure it out. I searched everywhere and couldnt find myself, I got restless and hopeless and started 2 fade away into the darkest place. I hardly tried anymore. Why should I? I felt worthless. It was a constant struggle to get out of the darkness. I realized that I could try to hide from everyone else but at the end of the day, you cant hide from God. I started to search for myself again and could only find bits and pieces. Things started getting better and better and SO MUCH BRIGHTER!!!!
one day I realized that I was HAPPY. and that's a good feeling when you haven't felt it in a while. and I KNOW WHO I AM. and im happy w who I am. Its great to be back.
and its great to have you in my life. I believed so many people who thought I was nobody, who thought I was worthless. Who thought that deceiving me & disrespecting me, breaking me down to a horrendous puddle of sadness was totally acceptable. but you helped me find myself again, and you helped me find happiness again. and I could never thank you enough for that. God Bless You.
Gosh, this has gotten way too long and way too emotional, but thats what happens when you dont sleep during exam week and get on livejournal to take a break from studying!! lmfao, goodnight world:)
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| compassion is ALWAYS in fashion |
[Jan. 18th, 2009|10:02 pm] |
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction....
The chain reaction
of evil--hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars--must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of
annihilation.
-Martin Luther King, Jr., Strength To Love, 1963.
Like an unchecked cancer, hate corrodes the personality and eats away its vital unity. Hate destroys a man's sense of values
and his objectivity. It causes him to describe the beautiful as ugly and the ugly as beautiful, and to confuse the true with the false
and the false with the true.
-Martin Luther King, Jr., Strength To Love, 1963.
We must combine the toughness of the serpent and the softness of the dove, a tough mind and a tender heart.
-Martin Luther King, Jr., Strength to Love, 1963.
Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice. Justice at its best is love correcting everything that stands against
love.
-Martin Luther King, Jr., Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?, 1967.
Have a Wonderful Martin Luther King Day!!!
Keep Others In Your thoughts and prayers today and everyday.
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 12th, 2008|06:11 pm] |
You would rather have a Lexus? or justice?
a dream? or some substance?
A Beamer? a necklace? or freedom?
sometimes
when I wanna shut out this world
wanna rip up this page
wanna pour out this heart
wanna get up on this stage
and my lips become percussion
and my fists become the rage
and I pound on this table
til it gives me something to say
then I think about things that Ive seen
right in front of me
that I dont wanna believe
gimme one of these mikes
let me let em know
the way that it is is not how its gonna be
not if we dont let em get ahead of us
the present tensions no threat
its just a fence across the path
that were already ready to walk
rock solid footsteps
letem put up obstacles
and prove that it isnt possible
fuck that
we dont give in anyway
true liberty and freedoms at stake
peace will never become pass
live my life until my last day
signs of a better world
causes we understand
failures we expected to occur
and bring redemption for our sins
safety from the crowds
in the shadows on the run
we write our own cider house
rules to keep alive
rituals that prove their worth
search for systems we can trust
rhythms we can lock into
in between the lines
signs of a the next movement
refuge from the crowd
outside of the law
causes we understand
hands that trace
instructions for descendants in the
shadows on the run
underneath the veil
failures we expected to
occur and bring redemption for our sins
in between the lines
"All truth passes through three stages:
First, it is ridiculed;
Second, it is violently opposed; and
Third, it is accepted as self-evident."
Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)
You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty. GANDHI
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| "Blessed be thou...for giving us life, for sustaining us, and for enabling us to reach this day." |
[Nov. 4th, 2008|12:21 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  touched | ] |
"Barukah atah Adonai... shehekyanu veikiymanu vehigianu lazma hazeh"
The last two days have been two of the hardest I have experienced recently. Ive been so content and ambitious and a few events arrived to shake things up. I was torn and hurt and I had several of the moments where you cant breathe and you feel as though you are suffocating and your heart burns like it is dwindling down to nothing but crispy ashes.
I felt my self slipping back down into the hole that took me SO LONG to dig out of.
Luckily I caught myself in time and thanks to a few special people, I survived.
Now, in hindsight I completely understand the legitimate feelings and emotions that caused this pain, but I also have gained new knowledge and insight into people and events and I am better than ever.
I have a few people in my life who I owe a great deal. Whether they talked to me about an issue or just listened, and even a person or two who I never told any of my details to, they were just there with a smile or a joke or a hug and that was all I needed from them to reassure me of myself.
Life is horrifyingly short sometimes. And I dont think I can ever stop taking things for granted.
I love who I am. I have no regrets. and God, I just want to apologize for all the times I doubted you because I had several epiphanies today and everything really reallly DOES happen for a reason.
You have a destiny for me and how dare me try to interfere. I did not understand. Love and pain make you do crazy, uncontrollable things. Thats why forgiveness is my junk.
I love this crazy mess of a life and I wouldnt have it any other way!!:)
now I have GOT TO get some sleep because Ive had about 5 hours in two days and that INCLUDES the hour I passed out in the bathtub. Im supposed to volunteer in the morning and theres a 50% chance I oversleep. WEll see. GNITE WORLD....
rawk on
STeph Beezy xxo |
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| Thank Baby Jesus its Friday |
[Sep. 19th, 2008|01:50 pm] |
Things that broke my heart today...
14 yr old girl fled polygamy and abuse
makes me VERY VERY angry. Im trying to do an oral presentation in my "Spirituality and Social Work" class about this, but Im not sure of an example or scenario. Or how to even begin.
-How does this even happen?
-How is this acceptable? rape, molestation, underage marriage, incest, mental, physical, emotional AND sexual abuse. I cant believe this. I dont see even the tiniest shred of respect or dignity for these girls and women in this "situation"
A Girl Like me. Student film on choosing "good" or "bad" and "black" or "white"
heartbroken.
-even the boys chose the white doll. I couldnt take it.
-and where do the other races fit in to this picture?
-how do we stop fueling this horrendous cycle?
Things That made me smile today
-->The veggie sub I had for lunch. Guacamole AND hummus? how can you go wrong. being a vegetarian IS Possible and IS delicious. Veggies are my life.
-->My womens studies body image class. My favorite time of the week. It empowers me and inspires me. I wish it was every day rather than once a week. I personally like to listen to everyones responses and analyze in my head. I like to tie in my experience with philosophy and psychology when I think about society and the media and women and men.
-->Realizing that Im over my ex. Im NOT OVER our relationship and what happened. But I am over the idea that I need or want him back. Im happy. and Im smart and independent. And it turns me on to know that I dont. need. him. anymore. I am a wonderful catch and maybe there is a reason for all this madness after all. Thank you God for helping me make it through this past year it almost killed me! :) but its all good now.
Things I am looking forward to...
*Party for Peace tonight for STAND, all proceeds go to the civilian protection network to protect women in Darfur. YAY
*Going to Rosie Molinarys workshop on Monday...
*I was a teenage feminist on Tuesday...
*Kirkley and the Firecrackers on Thursday...
*Morgan Spurlocks lecture on campus Monday the 22nd!!!
*Domestic Violence events in October...
*Race for the Cure October 4th for breast cancer!!
Things are looking up. Life is short. and for me busy=happy!!!:) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 9th, 2008|07:42 pm] |
Womens Studies Body Image Assignment
1. Describe yourself. / 19. What do you wish for yourself?
I am a 21 year old female college student. I love music and sports a little too much. I love to dance and sing but not in front of anyone. Ill try almost anything at least once, and I believe in trying something before saying you don’t like it. I love food and cars and God. I care about ALL people and the world. All I want to do in life is make a difference in as many peoples lives as possible. I want to smile, laugh, and have fun as much as I can and experience as many things as I can. I believe in forgiveness and not judging people. I care about animals and the earth and doing whatever I can to help make the world a better place. I want to be a social worker because I feel that I can truly make a difference. I believe in standing up for people who cannot stand up for themselves. I believe in being healthy and fit. I think everyone makes mistakes and you should never run out of chances. I hate money and I have a hard time dealing with mean people or people who are shallow, materialistic, disrespectful, or superficial. I have a real hard time with people who discriminate in any way or people who don’t treat the earth , animals, or other people with respect. I love to recycle, some say Im a bit extreme. I love the world. I love life. I think my friends, family, and God are the most important things in my life. I like the idea of love, and I love to read. I highly value education and I think that you should never ever stop learning. I idolize my parents and think they are the most amazing people in the world.
2. What do you love most about yourself? About what are you most confident?
I love that I care about animals, people, and the world. I love that I can forgive anyone for anything. I love that Im spastic and bizarre. I love that I stand up for what I believe in and that others rarely have an influence on what I want to do. I’m very confident about my aspirations and goals and I never want to stop trying to make all my ideas happen. I am the most confident about my compassion for others and the world. I care about animals and people and the earth more than anything else and more than anyone I know and I think that is my very best characteristic.
3. What is the first positive memory/moment you have of your body?
. I remember the first time I learned how to do a backhandspring. I smiled for the rest of the day. I did backflips all through my yard for the rest of the day. It made me so happy to know that my body could do that. It made me so proud to know that I could do something I thought was impossible, something I had strived for at least a year. The feeling of pride swept throughout my body every time I did a flip whether it was in my backyard, across the school gym, at cheerleading practice, or at a cheerleading competition. I also remember the first time that I got out of the shower and realized that I loved my body. I realized that I wasn’t embarrassed of it and that no matter what anybody told me it was my body, and it had always been there for me, and I loved it. One last memory that came to mind when I was happy with and proud of my body, was the first time I got completely naked in front of the love of my life. I never felt the love and happiness with anyone else and neither of us had any doubts about what we were about to do or whether we should be together. I knew that he loved and appreciated every single thing about me inside and out as I for him. That was definitely an amazing feeling that I will never forget.
4. What is the first proud memory/moment you have of yourself?
In kindergarten I painted a picture of a zebra in class after we came back from the zoo. It was a messy sloppy painting but I loved it, and my teacher submitted it to an art show. When my family visited the painting and it had a blue first place ribbon on it I couldn’t have been more happy. Also my first piano recital comes to mind because I did an excellent job and couldn’t stop smiling.
5. Was anyone there to witness or appreciate those moments? If so, who was there and how did he, she, or they react?
My family has been there for me pretty much anytime that I did anything. My mother and father are very special people to me and they have been there always. They are the best parents I could have ever had and they did everything perfect to turn me into who I am.
6. What has most influenced your view of what is beautiful in/for women?
15. What do you believe is essential for being beautiful?
16. What informed your perception of what is beautiful?
My family and myself are the main influences in what I think is beautiful. In my family we recognize hard work, effort, appreciation, and innovative ideas, and never really recognize or notice superficial things or shallow, materialistic thoughts. We believe what you do is a million times more important that what you look like and we don’t judge based on appearances. I don’t think people who obsess over appearances are really making a contribution to the world at all.
7. Do you see women who look like you portrayed in mass media?
. I am a very skinny girl This is natural I have a ridiculously fast paced metabolism and I have to eat pretty much every hour. But to my dismay, there are celebrities and runway models who throw up, starve themselves, do coke, abuse laxatives and get mounds of plastic surgery to look this way. It angers me to deal with this because God gave me this body and this is what I am supposed to look like. God also gave them a body and they have mutilated it all to hell.
8. What is a moment where you felt especially self-conscious about your body?
In middle school and high school I was humiliated daily everywhere about my breasts being small ( their an average size) and about being so skinny. Later on I had people pining to be skinny like me but that wasn’t any better. Also, a few girls with huge chests envied me because I could wear a low cut top to church and look like a saint, and had they worn the same outfit they would have resembled a hooker. I was accused of being anorexic or bulimic countless times and I was told by boys that I had no curves and wasn’t a real woman. I love my body though. Despite all that madness. One more thing, I am very concerned about breast cancer and one day I had several breast cancer bracelets on and pink ribbon earrings and a woman glanced at my chest and commented, “ oh are you a survivor?”. I think that was more about what I was wearing but the fact that she made an assumption based on my B cup breasts was a tad humiliating.
9. Can you explain why you felt self-conscious at that moment?
I felt self conscious at these moments because I don’t feel that it is anyone’s place to ever make these comments, judgments, or assumptions. I don’t think the body that you have determines whether you are a woman or not or whether you are beautiful or whether you are desirable. I don’t think it is right for people to live off the notion that “Women are supposed to have big breasts.” Because we are not all the same. I don’t think people should assume that all women should be skinny based on some media trend either. I think there should be bodies and breasts of all sizes and everyone should be happy with what they have. End of story.
10. How do you care for yourself each day?
I love to indulge in bubble baths each night. I love to workout and run. I love to swim and take long walks with my dog. I eat whatever I want as long as it is vegetarian. I listen to music whenever I want and I love to take naps on my days off. I love to read anything and everything and get wrapped up in a book for hours. I love to spend time with friends and family and my dog. I love to write letters and send text messages. I like to surround myself with things that make me happy like plants, pictures, and pets. I do whatever makes me feel good and be happy and I try to stay healthy.
11. How do you show yourself a lack of concern on a regular basis?
I stretch myself too thin a lot. I work almost every day and I am a fulltime student. I am in a million clubs, groups, and organizations and it is hard to dedicate time to everything. I am anemic and I get very tired and weak, I am chronically late and always running out of time to do everything if I can even remember what everything is! I am always running out of money even though I work every day because college is expensive and I give my money away to too many things that I care about. I am frugal with money because I don’t ever have enough of it and a lot of times I have to tell myself no because I simply cant afford to do whatever I’m trying to do
12. What is your attitude towards…
I think many different things are beautiful, I could write a whole series of books about it. I think hard work and resilience are beautiful. I think everyone is beautiful. I think the world is beautiful regardless of all the dark things. I think everyone should consider theirself beautiful but not in a cocky superficial way. I think being healthy is beautiful. I think kindness and compassion are always beautiful. I think everyone should come above the influence and decide for themselves what is beautiful.
Health/exercise/athletics/food/nutrition- I think everyone should be concerned about health. I think we should eat better and think about our food and where it comes from and what it has an effect on. I think we should take care of our bodies and minds and keep them in as good a shape as possible. I think we should all be athletes in different ways and exercise should be a top priority. I think we should always keep learning and improving with nutrition, food, health, athletics, and exercise. But I think this works differently for everyone.
Media-I am really critical and bitter towards the media. I think it is fake and manipulative, shallow, superficial, phony, and pressuring. I think the media in general is terrible and awful and I could go on for days about how manipulative and deceitful it is.
Men and Women- I think men are shortchanged in a million ways they way they are raised and the way the world shapes them. They are pressured in a lot of ways to be a certain way and it is infuriating. This is the same in women but in an opposite way. We are all raised to be a certain way, conditioned to think, act, and look different ways. I think it unfair and ridiculous how we let this happen. I also think it is a vicious cycle and an important factor in interactions and relationships.
Money and Power- These are two things I despise and don’t care about. I don’t care about having money or having power myself. But I do despise the way people act and behave when they have money or power. I don’t like what they do with their money or their power and I think it is a disgrace. This is why I personally don’t strive for power or money and don’t care if I have any of it. I think it controls and runs too many things and ruins and destroys too many things.
Technology-I love technology and appreciate it in many ways. But I do not feel that it should be as worshipped as it is. I love my ipod and my laptop but they are not the latest. I appreciate and love having the minimum, I don’t need extravagant or excessive technology in my life. I don’t need the latest cell phone, they don’t even make the one that I have anymore and it is the best phone. I love it. Don’t even get me started on the government and its uses of technology because it infuriates me. Another technology I despise is The manipulation of media and pictures and videos and the fakeness of celebrities and advertising.
Praise-I think praise is overrated. We don’t praise things in my household very often and it has made us humble and down to earth people. I don’t think children or any people should be showered with praise or thrive off of it. I think praise in reference to the Lord is a different story and I praise him daily. Maybe praise isn’t the word. I worship and thank him daily.
Rivals- I’m not sure what is meant by this word but I think competition is a good and bad thing. I like competition in sports and games but not serious competition. I think it can be negative.
13. Who are your female role models and why?
17. List five well-known women whom you consider beautiful.
Rachel McAdams- I love her as an actress and a role model in the public eye but mostly her “Green is Sexy” website inspires me daily.
Hillary Clinton-she has led an amazing and influential life.
Jennifer Aniston-does a lot for the world even with her celebrity status.
Crissy Trask-author of “Its easy being green”
Kelly Finley-definitely one of my heroes. An amazing teacher
My mother-she is strong and smart and beautiful in nearly everyway. Raised her children in amazing ways and has accomplished so much in her life.
Ann Brashares-author of the Traveling Pants series
Koren Zailckas-Author of SMASHED and one of my heroes simply for her perspective
Mrs. Moritz-Girl Scout Leader and friend
14. What do you have in common with your role models?
I have in common with my mother my thirst for knowledge and innovative ideas, and the concept of making something out of nothing. Also the concept of being a good person and putting family first and never stop going for what you want. Koren Zailckas, and Kelly Finley have similar perspectives as me on the world, society, the media, and women. Mrs. Moritz shares my love of God and passion for life. Crissy Trask and Rachel McAdams share my compassion for the earth and being green. Jennifer Aniston cares about animals the way I do. Ann Brashares and Koren Zailckas share my passion for life and writing. Hillary Clinton believes in going for what you want and hard work pays off, I feel the same.
18. Do you consider yourself a feminist? Why or Why not?
I consider myself a feminist because I care about women’s rights and I think everyone should have equal opportunity. I don’t believe women should do everything men should do but I think they should be able to if that is what they would like. I think the world, society, and the media are very sexist and would like to change that.
20. Which of your answers would you most like to change?
I wish I could elaborate on “men” in number 12 but I couldn’t figure out how to put into words how I feel about men and I could write about it all day if I could figure out how to say it.
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2008|12:23 am] |
i shaved my legs tonight. i wanted you to run your fingers along them. but you never did. your loss.
now i lay in bed in my panties, with the sheets pulled up to my chin. with a good book in my hand and the best puppy in the world curled up beside me.
it doesnt seem right does it? but its okay, ill rub lotion on my feet every night when i get home from work. Ill ask myself how work was and listen to me gripe. Ill come up behind me when im washing my face and brushing my teeth in the bathroom and wrap my arms around me and kiss my neck gently and whisper in my ear that im beautiful. i got this. no prob.
i would be a great boyfriend. I would have answered the door and told you your pink hair was soooo badass and held you down on the stairs and kissed you. boyfriend or not, answering the door in that bra was unstoppable.
I would love me so hard and so good. I would think it was sexy how I love bubble baths and good books. I would ask to be read to. I would want to cuddle every night. I would think I was hysterical and fun and the best freakin time. because I am. I would make your jaw hurt from smiling to hard.
I dont want a boyfriend. I swear. I dont want to get married or have kids. for real. im serious. but i do want someone to be crazy about me. i want someone to think that im not wasting my time when i try to save the world. i want someone to think im smart and sexy and a genuine unique contribution to society. where are you?
i dont know where to go from here. weve been full circle. weve been through EVERYTHING. we both did everything to eachother we never wanted to do. where do we go from here. weve broken it and put it back together now what?
here is what i wish for.
to make a legit difference in the world
to have someones undivided attention n me and belief in me
to be told im pretty and beautiful and smart and original
badass even
to be loved as hard as someone can love me
and to love back as hard as i can
to love my family and puppy as hard as i can
to be the best i can at everything i do and try my hardest to live life the best i can.
no way is this what GOD meant for us. he gave us EVERYTHING we could need and want and we destroyed it. mostly you to be honest. im sorry for everything. if we could go back i know we both would. but its too late. too too late for that.
so now what?
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| ur so gay. |
[Jul. 3rd, 2008|09:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  curious | ] |
if you want me, it takes more than a wink, more than a drink, more than you think...
I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf
While jacking off listening to Mozart
You bitch and moan about LA
Wishing you were in the rain reading Hemingway
You don’t eat meat
And drive electrical cars
You’re so indie rock it’s almost an art
You need SPF 45 just to stay alive
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
You’re so sad maybe you should buy a happy meal
You’re so skinny you should really Super Size the deal
Secretly you’re so amused
That nobody understands you
I’m so mean cause I cannot get you outta your head
I’m so angry cause you’d rather MySpace instead
I can’t believe I fell in love with someone that wears more makeup than…
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
You walk around like you’re oh so debonair
You pull ‘em down and there’s really nothing there
I wish you would just be real with me
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like… PENIS |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 23rd, 2008|02:12 pm] |
FACT: cow milk is intended for baby cows to drink.
QUESTION: would you buy a gallon of human breast milk?
YOU HAD ME AT MERLOT...
but maybe not because i have heard that some companies use crushed animal bones and egg whites in wine development. ew. ive also heard that there have been some cases where animal blood is used. im gonna go vomit now.
FACT: hamburgers are worse for you than cigarettes.
QUESTION: why are hamburgers our kids favorite food?
FACT: pigs are more intelligent animals than dogs.
QUESTION: why do we have pet dogs and eat pork?
This is pretty cool, enter in your zip code for the lowest gas prices in your area!: http://autos.msn.com/everyday/gasstations.aspx?zip=&src=Netx
Update: USMC Disciplines Marines in Connection with Animal Cruelty Video
The United States Marine Corps has announced disciplinary action taken against two Marines connected to a video depicting the cruel killing of a puppy. http://www.aspca.org/aspcablog/2008/06/update-usmc-disciplines-two-marines-in.html
Need some new books? ready to "breakup" with some of your old favorites? face it you already know the endings, and your bookshelf is getting crowded. its over. swap paper backs (or any books ) with other people for nothing but the price of postage.
http://www.paperbackswap.com/index.php
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| im so addicted |
[Jun. 18th, 2008|12:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
so i have no excuse for last night.
it was sucky.
and of course I was in it all by myself. like i always am.
Get Free Condoms on Facebook
I'm so addicted to
All the things you do
When you're going down on me
In between the sheets
All the sounds you make
With every breath you take
Itss unlike anything
when you're loving me
oh girl lets take it slow
so as for you well you know where to go
i want to take my love and hate you till the end
its not like you to turn away
from all the bullshit i cant take
it's not like me to walk away
Im okay. im not okay. but ill be okay. I watched a movie today about bipolar disorder and adolescent suicide. It really tore me up.
I feel so frustrated in every way. I feel I am smarter than you. better than you. I feel so ambitious and your holding me back. Im like trying to run and your pulling my hair. yanking. it hurts but I dont want you anymore I dont even fucking know who you are. At one point we were two parts of something whole, pure, REAL, now I dont even know you but Im pretty sure If I got to know the real you I wouldnt know why I ever loved you in the first place.
And im so much better than that. the struggle and the hell and agony and self loathing that you have put me through have made me into a better stronger individual. Im closer to God. Im not an alcoholic anymore. I am responsible and adult and nice and sweet. I am becoming a professional in my major and my future career. I am growing so so rapidly and your like a sad little seed. why did it have to be this way? u chose this. I really really liked what we had, we made eachother better people we were the best team and we were good people. and now after all the bliss and then after all the pain I dont even know you and your brain and heart have shriveled to match all the other drones we once laughed at.
we were so much better than them. a step above the rest. but you just had to be like them. you couldnt take it, you had to choose trash over me. over. and. over. do you have any idea how bad that screwed me up psychologically?
do you have any idea how bad that hurt me? IT KILLED ME. almost literally.
but what i love the best is that every single day it hurts to get out of bed. but then when i finally get out of bed and get my day started i feel foolish for being sad foolish for being so hard on myself. I realize that every single day when i wake up i am better than he last day. I am stronger and better in each and every way, and i wanted to thank you for making me so much stronger and so much better. than i once was. better and stronger. than you.
every day is a new day. and thank you God for giving me another day to realize my potential. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 17th, 2008|09:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
I AM SOMEBODY. Fuck. I love you. i always have. why is it that good girls never get to be happy. WHY. I WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS.
I WISH I WAS A ROCKSTAR AND I COULD STAND ON STAGE DRUnK AND SCREAM MY LUNGS OUT ABOUT YOU AND WHAT YOUVE DONE AND HOW ILL NEVER BE THE SAME AND HOW I SOB UNTIL I CANT BREATHE UNTIL I PASS OUT.
this is not living. this is not a life. it hurts. all day. all night. every waking fucking second i want to just disspear. i cant save the world by myself when nobody has my back nobody is backing me up. i cant fucking stand it. this. this is ugly. and you dont fucking give a shit. big surprise. how were you my soulmate. im deep and intense and all i ever wanted was to love you. i love you with every single fiber in my entire being. i just wanted to be happy and make you smile.
but you threw everything away and now i dont even know you. i dont even want to . you wont let me anyway. i cant breathe. god help me i really hurt i cant breathe. youll never know how deep your impact was. i dont even know who i am now.
youll never know how it feels to wake up and scrutinize yourself from top to bottom inside out and just think that your ugly ugly ugly. youll never know what its like to want to punch yourself.
youll never have those moments where your sooo scared of yourself that you cant even move.
youll never ever have those moments where you want to jump off something big just to see what happens.
i just want you on me around me inside me always but i hate hate hate you youmake me so disgusted but i love you and i want you all the time.
i want somebody to appreciate me all of menot just my cute face and stupid remarks. my huge intense brain and heart. the veins that run and bubble with passion. love me fuck. somebody love me. fuck. i cant breathe i never can i want life support cus i cant llive like this on my own. fuck. i really need you. i need you so bad and youll never ever ever ever be there for me ever again.
youll never be in my shoes where you think of yourself as wasted and over. I have so much crushed ambition it makes me so sad. I want to scream and run as fast as I can as far as I can and never stop. My heart hurts I wish you would make it stop because you can you just dont want to you hate me you dont give a shit.
keep ignoring me im just going to shrink down to nothing, what you think of me. you think im nobody you put everybody in front of me, you think everybody is soo much fucking better than me i cant fucking stand it. you pick these pieces of shit over me and treat me like a fucking disease. I cant stand it i know im so much better i know i deserve better but i cant get it i cant get through this its a sinkhole and i keep slipping im trying my hardest but you just keep kicking me so hard and it hurts so fucking bad i dont know why you wont stop i cant stand it im reaching out for help and you dont care fuck i dont want to be here or anywhere fuck.
i want you to love me back and kill me .
finally love me back and love me hard harder harder
just love me so hard that i fade away into nothing.please love me hard right now until Im dead.
put me away easy just do it fuck i cant take anymore. |
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| fuck fuck you |
[Dec. 11th, 2007|09:03 pm] |
I cant be your friend. Ill fail at that just like you failed on loving me forever. I cant be your friend when everytime I look in your eyes I want to kiss you and punch you in the face and make you hurt like I hurt and make you bleed and cry like I do and make love to you and tell you that I never tried harder at anything than I did when I tried to love you and make you happy. I want to scream at the top of my lungs that you betrayed me and that Im incapable of knowing you and living.
I LOVE YOUR FACE JUST
GET AWAY
SO DEEP THAT IT DIDNT EVEN BLEED.
IT DIDNT BLEED.
I always put myself in destructive situations
I NEED OXYGEN
now weve got a big big mess on our hands.
[lies for the liars]
like a cold day in august i was not prepared for this....
WE ARE THE SAME BLOOD
fake it if youre out of direction
good god your coming up with reasons
good god your wearing it out
your such a fuckin hypocrite
And i am not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.
I want the pain of payment
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid
To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts
Love is not like anything
Especially a fucking knife
I don't even care
I'm alive
I'm the biggest fan i've got right now
I made sure, that i look how i wanted to look
The people around me, the people surround me
I pray, i beg for anything, to hit me in the face
And this sicknes isn't me, i pray to fall from grace
The last thing i see is feeling
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 7th, 2007|05:55 pm] |
No one will ever seeThis side reflectedAnd if there's something wrongWho would have guessed itAnd I have left aloneEverything that I ownTo make you feel likeIt's not too lateIt's never too late
DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD
Written on the bullet
SAY YES TO PULL THE TRIGGER
Let me be the one who calls you baby*All the time*Surely you can take some comfort*Knowing that you're mine*Just hold me tight, lay by my side
and let me be the one who calls you*Baby all the time
I found my place in the world*Could stare at your face for the rest of
my days*Now I can breathe, turn my insides out
and Smother me*Warm and alive I'm all over you*would you smother me?
YOUR RIGHT I GET IT
I don't care no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually
What you'll do
I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here
I hope you come back running...ill be dead.
YOU DID THIS
its always the same
My hands shake cuz today,
I know you're gonna break my heart and,
My life without you in it
Is a life not worth living.
I'll be strong but i wish i was someone else,
Anyone but me tonight
So I'll start to pretend im ok
But you should know by now that
My life is smoke and mirrors,
The one thing is crystal clear
That i'm the one wishing i was someone else
I WISH YOU WERE STRONG ENOUGH TO JUST FUCKIN BE WITH ME.
Today is the day
The worst day of my life
You're so content it hurts me
I don't know why
The cost of misery
Is at an all time high
I keep it hidden
Close to the surface in sight
I'm learning to fall
I can't hardly breathe
When I'm going down don't worry about me
dont let them take me hell no no
see boy Im stronger than the strongest drug you ever had
you could mix em all together ill still be twice as bad
see im the worst best girlfriend you ever had
harder to kick than cigarettes and green bags
harder to escape than jail cells and bills
why you do me this way?
got me crying rivers
If you never call me ill be somewhere down in tennessee
washin away my sorrows in a cold cup of Hennessey
:(
bytches aint shyt. |
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| Tryin to act like what you do dont phase me.. |
[Nov. 28th, 2007|05:44 pm] |
Life is short, I know, but it seems kinda long when you are in pain.
Life goes by too fast to let other people insult you, bring you down, or influence who you are and how you act, what you think and what you like.
BE YOURSELF. thats not you. dont play cus I know you.
And then next time you make a decision or a choice do me a favor and:
(1) think about why you made that choice. If you made it because somebody else was around or because somebody else would know about it. reconsider.
(2) If your still sticking with that choice that was influenced directly or indirectly by someone else, think about why they are so important. Think about who they are and whether their opinion is REALLY more important than your own. Decide whether they are really the person or people that you want INFLUENCING your decisions and behaviors.
(3) Think long and hard about why you dont make your decisions on your own and why you NEED someone else stepping in. Are they really more important than you? Are there thoughts more important than yours? Who are they?
(4) and lastly, vow to make your own choice the next time around. YOU are worthy of making your OWN choices and DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
Life goes by to fast. If you feel like crying, sob on. If you feel like laughing, do it loud and hard. Go where you want do what YOU want, ask questions and learn along the way. Have fun and smile, help some people along the way and leave a legacy. Dont be afraid to show somebody who you really are, theres no reason to hide it. Be proud of yourself and celebrate your accomplishments. When everything is F'ed up, find humor in it, or use it as energy to fix things or find a new outlet or opportunity. Dont waste time on regret, waste time on fun.
I
Love
You
Life.
xxo |
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